December 21, 2025

Opening

I finished the series, 5 volumes, 2000+ pages yesterday. It has been a long read, and I’d better spent some time unwrapping my tangled thoughts before it’s too late.

Starting by reviewing the plots, basically the protagonist Sakuma, a straight beta male was confessed by a childhood transfemale friend, Ushio, who just came out in the second year of high school. The first half of the series was about Ushio gaining her old popularity through getting mass acceptance participating in series of school events, like playing as Juliet and helping in girl’s volleyball match, while dealing with antagonists like Noi, Nishizono and Sera. Other half about romantic relationship between Sakuma and Ushio, aligning psychological and physical intimacy. The story was told through first person perspective, mainly Sakuma’s, though sometimes with interludes.

Romance

The first thing I want to unwrap is the theme of romance. Ushio has a charming and mature personality. She knew how and when to express her feelings, and when to hold back. Though I don’t believe, in her early transitions, could she figure out every fine detail. Identity exploration is mandatory first step, and she navigated it in her way. Shortly after she came out, she confessed to Sakuma that she loved him romantically. In Sakuma’s inner monolog, he failed figure that out immediately, but whatever. In the meantime, she yearned for physical intimacy, and expressed by kissing Sakuma accidentally. This is not a good practice, though understandably, she was also confused and trying to make sense of her own feelings.

She generally did very well in romance, in retrospect. She confessed in the very first, thus the two persons can build towards the romance. Though saying very first might seem absurd, as Ushio and Sakuma were long-time childhood friends. It is actually not, because the situation had been different after which she declared her new identity by coming out of the closet. Now I understand why it would take Sakuma several reflections to fully grasp her romatic intentions, partially due to his numbness in people, still, but it had also been his journey of exploration. It’s reasonable to assume that most people would be very confused by the fact that their former acquaintances come out the opposite gender, despite whether they support it or not. People are generally incompetent in concrete methodology, and can sometimes cause harm to gender minorities. This is due to the nature of personal identity, the first point of which is the individual. Much effort has to engage in self-reflection, and everyone’s experience and situation is different.

Another reason is she knew how to compromise. Interpersonally speaking, though it’s hard to summon up courage to take the first steps, it’s easy to stuck at friend zone despite the efforts, like how Sakuma did with his crush girl, Hoshihara. I believe Ushio recoginzed the issue, and her practice was progressive, when I reflected on it. Specifically, she first spent most of her summer vocation in Sakuma’s home, simply chilling. This can help him get used to her new presentation, while leaving an open ending in the romantic realm. Next step was playing as Juliet at the school cultural festival, using which as an opportunity exposing more inner complex. She slowly but surely expressed more and more of her affections by requesting a hug after defeating Noi, requesting a kiss after inviting him to her place and helping finish his winter homework. Finally, on their extended spring school trip she resolved their misaligned expectations on physical intimacy. I think her practice was pretty good as long as the two persons had much together time in the foreseeable future. It’s not as smooth as it looked like though, because I am vastly simplifying here. Some of the nuances are Hoshihara (support from friends), Sera (shifting Sakuma’s worldview and initiating his attention on regards of physic intimacy), Misao (Ushio’s sister, related to her family dynamics), et cetara. And I believe internally Ushio had struggles and was at least once on the very verge of giving up. She explicitly requested a peaceful break up at the planned ending of the school trip. Still, she kept an open mind, accepting the ridiculous invitation of Sakuma’s to extend the trip, taking the opportunity for resolution.

Ushio’s persistency is worth noting, especially towards Sakuma the emotion wood. This makes sense. She knew Sakuma too well and he’s very easy to see through. The choice of perspective is interesting, in a way where Ushio’s inner monolog was lacking thus both her efforts and struggles were disguised. It didn’t blind me though, revisiting the plot on what she did to purse this relationship. It feels beautiful, not only because she’s a real charm, but also despite the close-minded community the story unfolded in, there was still silver lining.

Identity Exploration

The settings feature a 2000s rural Japanese town, where everyone knows everyone else. It was composed of basically cisgender male / female. One exception though, was a gay couple and the telling of their lonely death in a small wooden house. My interpretation was that the town was so LGBTQ unfriendly that it could have been impossible for Ushio to transition, fortunately however, she’s got supporting head teacher, although mixed with questionable headmaster and PE teachers. Most students were numb and uneducated on transgender rights, and merely sought for drama. At least she’s got supportive family, even when her mother died in her childhood and father married to a new woman. Another important component is her friends, namely Sakuma and Hosihara, who are supportive, but just as uneducated as your average rural kids.

The so called antagonists, namely Nishizono and Noi, had both declared that it would be harder for Ushio to give up her already established mass recognition, and present herself as a girl. Between Sakuma, Hoshihara and Nishizono was an awesome debate on whether it’s good for Uhsio to transition. I had to admit Nishizono had a point that there’s no objective rightness or wrongness on choosing or altering one’s gender, and all is down to whether you like it or not, so being a supporter or a hater is completely arbitrary. The supportive kids failed to come up with a decent answer, and I have it. It’s not a utilitarian question, not about easy or hard, good or bad, it’s about identity. And people can die for it.

Though most trans people come out when they are in the age of 14 to 17, because of hormones, dysphoria and stuff, and I recognize it’s the most important and precious time for identity formation and reformation, impact of which stretches even to late life, it’s not an ideal time to come out. The point of transgender, and LGBTQ in general, is merely to live authentic, trying different stuff, exploring what you like and figure out who you really are. Teenage years constrain economical and physical freedom, which conflicts with the practicality of such idea. I truly admire those LGBTQ teenagers striving for authenticity and courageous to adventures, especially in unfriendly environments. To my disappointment, the stories as said before are told via anyone other than Ushio, thus forcing me to approach her in a twisted, half-guessing manner. Not ideal, but I will try my best.

I will quote Ushio on this: I have doubted my gender for a long time. I will try to live as a girl from now on. She said so on the first day back to school, after taking ten-day off with her family, probably going through a lot herself internally. It is true that trans people often have more inner complexity than the average, at least I believe so, and Ushio is no exception. I won’t go into how this description maps to reality, as there are more nuances than I am willing to cover, and also is it off the point. Here just note that Ushio is neural typical. It is often the case that the complexity unwraps into self-doubt.

Ushio objectively passed as a girl on appearance, because she had been good looking as a boy, born with blond hair and a few feminine facial features. Even so, she cared more than she needed to not to mess up with her hair, and confessed not being happy about her voice. Before she came out, Ushio participated in the school sprinting team, and to avoid having thick legs, he quitted before joining in the marathon team. Just don’t quote me on the details. It can be frustrating sometimes, and so is it for everyone else. I think in the case of transition, it is often made worse by incidents, unsupportive family members, unfriendly environment, the meta environment, et cetara. But self-doubt and external obstructions don’t make identity exploration any less valid, and whenever necessary practical measures should be taken. Just like Ushio did with running. She liked it, and found an alternative way to still enjoy the hobby. Also her stepmom taught her how to makeup, which I found cute.

Trans people sometimes doubt whether they are trans or not, and that is also a common phenomenon. I found it interesting that some cis people do doubt their identity. The difference is that it’s more out of temporary curiosity than persistent inner struggles, and they end up dismissing the idea of transition. The head teacher of Ushio’s was supposed to play the part of an educated, based left-wing liberal, at least I believe so. My interpretation is that due to inadequacy of Hachimoku’s research or unavailability of such in this time of writing, the book ended up conveying that cisgender equals never doubting one’s gender. I think understanding this nuance is important for the topic.

Whether you are gender minority, identity is more than important. As said before, the whole point is all about the individual. While keeping an open mind, it’s ultimately down to whether you like it or not, assuming bodily autonomy of course.