He Reminds Me of My Younger Self

I recently watched a video about building a computer in Terraria. The creator appeared to be a teenager, around sixteen or seventeen years old.

The video was titled “I built a 32-bit computer in Terraria.” Before watching, I assumed it was a showcase of the final result—except it wasn’t. This kid was incredibly fascinated by microelectronics. He was passionate enough to walk through every detail regarding processors and microcomputers. It sounded exactly like something I would have done in the past.

I’m sorry, I actually didn’t finish the video before coming here to discuss his “problem.” But that doesn’t matter. It’s a video by a creative kid, and you should watch it too.

YouTube Video

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXPiqk0-zDY

I’ll assume you haven’t seen the video. Let’s discuss the way he made it: he framed it as if he were teaching the audience microcomputer technology so they could build their own 32-bit computers. I don’t think this is a good approach, especially when the title didn’t lead me to expect a tutorial.

Educating vs. Manipulating

Some educated people love to solve problems in other people’s lives. They imagine themselves as consultants.

Example of a 'Consultant'

John: Amy, let me tell you, lately at the company, Lucy used to be on great terms with me and respected me. But because I didn’t do a certain task well and got criticized by the boss, now Lucy doesn’t even say hello when he sees me.
Amy: John, Lucy is a bad person. She just follows whatever the boss says. Really… You should…

Actually, conversations like this don’t exist. I’m just a silly student. I hope you get my point.

Imagine you have a friend who always gives you “smart” advice when you’re just venting, even though all you wanted was to relieve the stress of a bad day through social connection.

If someone makes assumptions without being asked—assuming the other person needs to hear their opinion or advice—I call that person manipulative. I believe no one should be manipulative, even in the most intimate relationships. Manipulation is a very self-centered mindset.

Covert Contracts

When I discuss covert contracts, I’m talking about people who love to solve other people’s problems. Some of them expect something in return from the person they are “educating.”

By covert contract, I mean trying to indirectly satisfy one’s own needs by manipulating others within a relationship. Imagine someone using a covert contract: to satisfy their initial assumption, they make even more subsequent assumptions. There are many examples of covert contracts, such as sarcasm or being passive-aggressive. Some might call it “PUA,” especially netizens in mainland China. When they say PUA, they usually mean mental control or manipulation. Their specific form of manipulation is outside the scope of my discussion.

Covert contracts are terrible. No one should be responsible for someone else’s assumptions. A person can never expect their needs to be met when the only way they seek fulfillment is through manipulation. The person being manipulated will feel bewildered and offended because so many assumptions were made, many of which are false.

Imagine you’re in a relationship and you respond to someone’s covert contract by manipulating them back. You never speak about your feelings, thoughts, or needs. I call that relationship unhealthy.

When to Make Assumptions

The biggest problem with manipulation and covert contracts is making too big of an assumption. By “too big of an assumption,” I mean assuming the other person doesn’t know something, needs to know something, believes a certain view, wants to own something, or must give something back. These assumptions should not be made implicitly. Personally, I avoid making big assumptions, but that’s up to you.

Why assuming someone knows isn't a 'big' assumption

If the other person doesn’t know, they can just ask you. Imagine: - A: Your computer’s memory cycles are really high. - B: What is a memory cycle?

By making an assumption implicitly, I mean not stating the assumption directly.

Implicit	Explicit
Why don’t you have a girlfriend?	Do you like girls? If so, why haven’t you dated one yet?

Opinions and Imperatives

I call such discussions toxic.

Forum Example

Tianya’s Love: Lol, this is unfair. - Unicorn: @Tianya’s Love Who asked??

“Who asked” is not a good response. It’s neither funny nor informative. Imagine if Unicorn’s reply was: “In what way is it unfair?” I would call that a healthy discussion.

When I discuss whether a conversation is toxic, I mean that if those manipulative people truly want to help someone so they can have a better life, they could engage in healthy discussions instead of manipulative ones. Deconstruction is one method. This method guides one to avoid implicit assumptions and seek more context, for example, by asking questions. It also guides one to unpack the assumptions within an argument until both parties reach a consensus, so that the opinion can appear fair and influential.

A side note: my mother often gives me imperatives.

Example of an Imperative

Mother: Use an extension capble here. - Me: Why? - Mother: It’s for your convenience.

“It’s for your convenience” is manipulative talk. Imperatives themselves are acceptable. But imagine if the Mother’s reply was: “The switch on the power extender controls this lamp, so it doesn’t have to stay on all the time.” Then I could decide whether to use the capble based on the situation. Such an imperative feels much more fair.